Why does my child with ADHD struggle to listen?

AI generated image

If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “I know they heard me… so why didn’t they do it?” then you are very much not alone.

Many parents of children with ADHD worry that their child isn’t listening on purpose. It can feel frustrating, exhausting, and at times even a little hurtful. But here’s the important (and reassuring) bit to know early on.

Most children with ADHD aren’t choosing not to listen. Their brains are simply working differently.

Let’s unpack what’s really going on, without blame, jargon, or unrealistic expectations.

Listening isn’t as simple as it sounds

When we say “listen”, we usually mean much more than just hearing words.

For a child to listen and respond, their brain needs to:

• Notice the instruction

• Hold it in mind

• Block out distractions

• Understand what’s being asked

• Organise themselves to act

That’s a lot of brain work, especially for a developing brain with ADHD.

ADHD is best understood as a difference in attention regulation and executive function, not a problem with intelligence, motivation, or respect. You can read more about this from the NHS overview of ADHD here.

“They heard me… so why didn’t they do it?”

This is one of the most common (and understandably confusing) experiences for parents.

Children with ADHD may:

• Hear the first part of an instruction but miss the rest

• Get distracted halfway through processing it

• Forget what they were asked within seconds

• Feel overwhelmed by multi-step requests

This isn’t defiance. It’s a working memory and attention challenge.

Executive functions- the brain’s “management skills”- help us plan, remember instructions, and stay focused. These skills often develop more slowly in children with ADHD. NICE explains this clearly in their ADHD guidance here.

ADHD brains are interest-driven, not importance-driven

One of the trickiest (and most misunderstood) aspects of ADHD is this:

Children with ADHD don’t respond best to what’s important, they respond best to what’s engaging.

That’s why your child can:

• Hyperfocus on Lego, gaming, or drawing for an hour

• Yet seem completely unavailable when asked to put shoes on

This isn’t selective listening. It’s the brain being pulled powerfully toward stimulation, novelty, or enjoyment.

The CDC offers a helpful explanation of how ADHD affects attention and self-regulation here.

Emotional overload can shut listening down

Listening becomes much harder when emotions are running high.

If a child is:

• Anxious

• Tired

• Overstimulated

• Already overwhelmed

Their brain may simply not have the capacity to process instructions.

In these moments, what looks like “not listening” is often a stress response, not a behavioural choice. This is especially common in children who also show autistic traits or sensory sensitivities.

Why repeating yourself often doesn’t help (sorry!)

It’s very tempting to repeat instructions- louder, slower, or more firmly.

Unfortunately, repeated verbal instructions can:

• Increase background noise

• Add pressure

• Trigger frustration or shutdown

Children with ADHD usually do better with less talking, not more

Practical ways to support listening (without constant battles)

Here are some ADHD-friendly strategies that many families find genuinely helpful:

1. Get attention before giving instructions

Say their name, make eye contact, or gently touch their arm before speaking.

2. Keep it short and concrete

“One thing at a time” beats a long list every time.

3. Use visual cues

Visual reminders, charts, or gestures can support working memory far better than words alone.

4. Ask them to repeat it back

Not as a test, just a quick check that the message landed.

5. Build routines

Predictable routines reduce the listening load altogether.

Organisations like YoungMinds also offer excellent parent-friendly resources around attention, emotions, and regulation here.

A final (very important) reassurance

Your child is not lazy.

They are not ignoring you on purpose.

And you are not failing as a parent.

Children with ADHD often want to do the right thing; they just need the environment and expectations adjusted to fit how their brains work.

With understanding, support, and realistic strategies, listening can become easier and family life a little calmer for everyone.

If you’re concerned about your child’s attention, behaviour, or development, a comprehensive neurodevelopmental assessment can help clarify what’s going on and guide the right support.

​Book an assessment or discuss treatment.