Why does my child need so much control?
- Dr Harry Woodward
- Jan 30
- 3 min read
AI generated image
If your child insists on choosing the blue cup, walking through that door, sitting in that chair (and may fall apart if anything changes), you are not alone.
Many parents of children with ADHD, autism, or other neurodevelopmental differences tell me the same thing:
“They just have to be in charge of everything.”
But what looks like stubbornness is usually something very different. And once you understand what’s going on underneath, your child’s behaviour starts to make a lot more sense.
Control is a sign of stress not bad behaviour
Children don’t seek control because they are bossy.
They seek control because their nervous system feels unsafe.
For many neurodivergent children, the world feels unpredictable, overwhelming and confusing. Sounds, social demands, transitions, textures, school rules, and emotions all hit harder. Control becomes their way of creating safety.
Think of it like this:
When your child can’t control what’s happening to them, they try to control what they can.
That might be the order of breakfast, the route to school, the TV programme, or what someone else says. These small things feel huge when your brain struggles to cope with uncertainty.
Why ADHD and autistic children struggle more with uncertainty
Children with ADHD and autism often have differences in executive function - the brain skills that help us plan, shift, wait, and cope with change. According to the NHS, these differences affect organisation, emotional regulation, and flexible thinking
That means:
Sudden changes feel threatening
Waiting feels unbearable
Not knowing what comes next creates anxiety
Losing control can feel like losing safety
Autistic children, in particular, rely on predictability to feel calm and regulated. NICE guidance highlights how changes in routine and environment can be deeply distressing for autistic children.
Control is how anxiety shows itself
For many children, needing control is actually a form of anxiety.
But instead of saying, “I’m scared and overwhelmed,” they say:
“No!”
“Do it my way!”
“You’re doing it wrong!”
The CDC explains how anxiety often shows up as irritability, rigidity, and emotional outbursts in children
So when your child melts down because you cut the toast the wrong way, they’re not being dramatic but they’re losing their sense of safety.
What happens when they lose control?
When a child who relies on control feels it slipping away, their brain goes into threat mode.
That’s when you see:
Explosions
Refusals
Tears
Shouting
Meltdowns
This isn’t manipulation. It’s nervous system overload.
As the National Autistic Society explains, meltdowns happen when demands exceed a child’s ability to cope
How to support a child who needs control
You don’t need to give up all boundaries but you can give more predictability, choice and emotional safety.
Here are a few gentle, practical strategies:
1. Offer small choices
Instead of “Get dressed”, try:
“Blue jumper or green jumper?”
This gives your child a sense of control without chaos.
2. Use routines and visual cues
Knowing what’s coming next reduces anxiety. Timetables, countdowns and reminders really help neurodivergent brains.
3. Prepare for changes
Tell them in advance if something will be different. Surprises are very hard for anxious, ADHD or autistic children.
4. Stay calm when they lose control
Your calm nervous system helps their nervous system settle. You don’t have to fix it, just stay close and steady.
This is not a parenting failure
A child who needs lots of control is not spoiled, difficult, or manipulative.
They are telling you:
“My world feels too big right now.”
And with the right understanding, support and strategies, that need for control gradually softens as their nervous system feels safer.
If you’re worried about your child’s anxiety, rigidity, or behaviour, a neurodevelopmental assessment can help clarify what’s going on and what support will really help, not just at home, but at school and beyond.
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